Breakdown. Breakthrough. Repeat

I LOVE the movie Jerry Maguire. I know every word, every look, every song! One of my favorite scenes is when he writes his memo in the middle of the night. He’s in the zone writing passionately and so proud of his “Breakdown or Breakthrough?!”  

I feel like everyday/week/month/years I go through a series of breakdowns and breakthroughs. Albeit some are small and no big deal, while others tear at my heart and weigh on my mind. 

My life is never boring. I always feel like I need to explain why I share this stuff. It’s Simple; to connect and let people know they are not alone in this crazy mommy world. 

I will not backtrack but just a little glimpse into a typical week. Last Thursday my car literally breaks down at work. It overheated with 2 barefoot, no napped, little boys inside. While we were waiting on daddy to come to the rescue they were running around Posh (the super cute boutique where I work)

POSH Tulsa Link
Then I Breakdown crying because my sissy is going back into the hospital. Her poor body and spirit are struggling and breaks my heart to see her in pain and sad with no real treatment plan. But my boys give her the best medicine there is! 

That same evening we have an awesome Breakthrough at swim lessons, baby brother is jumping in with no fear. Over and over. He was so happy and holding his breath and showing off his adorable toothy grin! 

Then I changed what I thought was a wet diaper to have a steaming cow patty turd fall on my foot. I took a picture but I will spare you the graphic content. I can’t make this shit up! Sorry can’t resist a good pun ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ’ฉ๐Ÿ™ˆ

Breakthrough I survived a super packed Saturday, 3 events: baby sprinkle, bloggers brunch & grand reopening at Posh. Then I took the boys to visit my grandma and play outside.  


That evening we had dinner with our best friends with 5 kids under 5. As I lay my head down, little bro starts crying and breathing fast and coughing. Albuterol treatment begins… Ahhhh those innocent hands  

 Breakthrough Sunday, I finally got to sleep in, well after getting up in the night. But still my body slept thru the screaming, fighting, and cartoons. Dad goes for a run. I go for a run. Dad leaves to go to the office. I load the boys up in the rain to go to Target. We had a great time. We 3 musketeers love Target. Who would have known that a sparkle bouncy ball in the $1 section is the most prized possession of all?! Winning!

Drop off the baby and groceries. (I think I got some food. haha) 
On to the next. A birthday party for a school mate at the bounce house place. I think “Sweet! They will wear him out and feed him. He will be ready for bath and bed when we get home.” Oh slow your roll there, Little Mama. Not so fast. I thought I would survive a 2 hour party. No, no, no. Total meltdown as we are leaving, complete with laying on the sidewalk screaming and crying over playing light sabers with their new bubble wands and some devil skittles arcade game. Brattastic voyage home.  This is how we wrap birthday presents when we are out of scotch tape ๐Ÿ™ˆ๐Ÿ˜

 Here is where the breakdowns and breakthroughs collide. We live in a small house. 1,500 sq ft is small for 4 humans and all of their crap that has accumulated over 10 plus years together and enough clothing to cover an entire small country. America the land of excess. 

  Anyway, when one of the boys gets up crying in the middle of the night, it usually wakes the other one up. Case in point: this morning. My littlest one woke up from the thunderstorms and just wanted me to hold him. Then he sucked down 3 apple sauce pouches at 3:13am. This is pretty normal. Unfortunately, because of his allergies, he is limited to what he can eat so I’m always going to fed him whenever he is hungry. He is below 10% when it comes to his weight. So it’s kinda like I’m still getting up for an overnight feeding except I’m not nursing. 

But when the big brother hears us and gets up and wants to cuddle on the couch, this is where it gets tricky. They want me all the time. I love it. But when they want to start fighting and playing on top of me at 4am, I’m thinking “OK, guess I need to start the coffee.” A smoothie and veggie sticks later I think little man might go down without a fight. Big bro has chowed down 2 mini bagels and cream cheese and is on episode 3 of paw patrol.

 As I see the sky turn from black to navy I know there are 2 ways this can go. Either we go to bed and try to get an hour or 2 before school or we are up for the day screwing up naps and mixing up days and nights. 

My husband says this is my fault because I cater to their every whim. OK. Yes, I do. So I find myself either sleeping in my sons twin bed with him or on the couch.  

  My mind is racing or I’m blogging this to you and thinking “I should have gone for a run or to the gym.” Hahaha Nah I’ve got a good 12-16 hour day ahead of me. All in good time, my pretty, all in good time. 
You know how most moms, myself included, really loathe unsolicited advice. Like “Bitch, you don’t know my life or my kids. Thanks. I appreciate it. I will put them to bed earlier and make sure they get an organic meal and wear matching pjs.” Ok bye 

I’ve run myself into the ground with worry over my family. Some people know what that is like, and others will never understand until they live it. 

I think my breakdowns are my breakthroughs. 

Little by little I see that those times and doors are closing in on me. I need to cherish being able to hold both my boys on the couch. Be thankful I get to sing them both to sleep each night. The days of requesting rocking chairs, scratching backs and cuddles are numbered. I will be craving this before I know it.

It’s also comforting to know that this is nothing new or different. It’s mom life. We all have these mornings, and it’s nice to know we aren’t alone. I read an article the other night that was talking about parenting in past generations. It was really great but I found myself angry at the end. Comparisons suck. Earlier generations didn’t have access to all of this technology and they didn’t live in fear everyday. I wish I could let my boys play outside. Hell, in the front yard, without me. But it’s not gonna happen. I wish I wasn’t glued to my phone and feeling the need to connect with strangers over my own family. 

The world has gone through a breakdown. A breakdown of connections. I just hope we can breakthrough and find each other once again. 
Just happy mommy