Everyone has them.
Every single one of us.
Whether you are 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, etc we all have insecurities.
Our bodies change as we get older. Whether you have zero, 1, 2, 3 or 10 kids. I know we are supposed to embrace change but its hard for me – it is ALWAYS been hard for me. I have A LOT to work on. I know what I need to do to look and feel better, and it’s just a matter of getting my mind right. Well, right now my mind is not right. I am struggling with depression. It got better once I asked for help and was introduced to my friend, Zoloft. But since I stopped breast feeding and started different birth controls; the last few months have been a hormonal and emotional roller coaster. I am all over the lot and suffering from migraines and anxiety.
I just don’t feel like myself.
I went to see my OB, who I love and trust completely. He said he could see that I was clearly depressed and that I needed to up my meds and go see my therapist. Honestly, my husband & my babies bring me the greatest joy I have ever known, and I want to get better for them. My husband is helping me a lot and trying to understand where I am coming from. 

After going to see my therapist, I realized that I am dealing with quite a lot! I started working, my sister is sick, Perry is allergic to everything, and financial stresses are about to make me go insane. She said the following, which made me break down into tears – “When I met you the first time about 5 years ago, you were a career woman with such a strong confidence and style about yourself… and I know SHE is still inside of you!” I feel lost sometimes. She wants me to cling to the REALNESS that is me. Push through the blocks and take time for myself. Workout and go to church. Again, I know what I need to do, and its just a matter of doing it.

Depression is a real thing.
But we live in a society where we are not supposed to talk about it, and if we do, it has such a negative stigma that you feel ridiculed. I am tired of hiding it. Its ok NOT to be happy all the time. Its ok NOT to be the stepford. I struggle daily with both of these things. I feel like I am supposed to be shitting rainbows and hashtagging #thankful #blessed and #happy all the time and never complain about anything. I am guilty of it. Ok, that is bullshit. That is not real life. I am thankful, blessed, and happy. But sometimes it is hard. Being everything a woman, wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend are the greatest gifts of life, but can also be the hardest. I am trying to take each day as it comes, and not obsess about the future due to my high anxiety. 

Sometimes, social media makes me feel inadequate and Facebook equals Fakebook. In my opinion, our society is so obsessed with cleanliness and perfection – its honestly disgusting. Again, I fall victim to this.  So many times I have wanted to post pictures of what my house REALLY looks like or what is hard for me, but I’m too embarrassed or scared of backlash. 

So, I stopped doing the dishes and folding the laundry in order to get down on the floor with my boys, because that is why I stay home with them, right? Not to be the damn maid all day long, but to play with them, teach, nurture, and care for them. It’s a balance – I will mop the floor and do the laundry, though it can definitely wait until late at night when they are sleeping.

Are we sharing too much?
Knowing when to share or post pictures of our lives is a delicate balance. I love seeing my friends and their families grow on social media. But will my boys resent me someday for the pictures, posts and blogs? Or is this the new normal? I don’t have the answers but these are things I think about often. We are all doing the best we can. My best is messy right now but I know I’m doing ok because my boys are thriving, happy, and obsessed with me. I hope that this helps someone else. I freed some of my insecurities the day that I actually posted this blog. Just Happy Mommy. 
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