I kept seeing this quote over and over in my feed last week for international women’s day.

“Here’s to strong women. 

May we know them. 

May we be them. 

May we raise them.” 

I didn’t post or celebrate on this day. Not in protest, but because I have so much more to say on the topic. I may not have daughters but I am a woman, a mother, daughter and sister.

My blog has a lot of messages but one that always seems to resonate with my readers is strength.

It takes strength to write about real topics. Lately my strength has been silent.

Motherhood is the cornerstone and main reason for even starting my blog. I didn’t feel like I had found an authentic, raw, unapologetic, real and often offensive blog about being a mom.

(This was in 2014 mind you. Before I Mom so Hard and Cat and Nat became SUPERSTARS! PS I am a HUGE fan!)

I love being bright and shiny. But going through post partum depression was anything but bright and shiny. It was dark and ugly.

Another topic I wrote about a couple years ago Don’t Forget the Not Yet Moms http://justhappymommy.com/3019/

Women who hope, wish, pray and strive to one day become mothers. I think it’s important to recognize all of us and be inclusive as women not just Mom’s.

But this post is about THE MOST IMPORTANT, influential and incredible woman I know, my Mama.

To those of you who know my mom already know how magical she is. She is the most beautiful, compassionate, selfless, faithful, kind and loving person.

We have always had a special bond. I have always confided in her, looked up to her and sought her wisdom throughout my life.

When I became a mother it took us to the next stratosphere. We clicked and connected like best friends. She was my port in the storm, my confidant and therapist while I continually doubted myself as a new mom.

We still have this bond and it seems to be stronger has we both grow older. Lately tho we have been connecting on a very complicated and lonely level. Being the caretaker of someone who is ill.

As many of you know my family is UBER private. When I started sharing my life on the internet they were not so sure and it definitely took sometime for them to understand WTF a blog even is. Generational gaps is another post I want to write about, but that’s not today LOL.

Seeing my sisters health deteriorate over these last few years has not only been overwhelmingly sad but also intense. Her condition is still a mystery and misunderstood. She rarely ever complains and is stronger than any superhero.

My mother is 65 years old and still lives her life as a stay at home mom.  She rarely has time for herself. She is my sister’s 24 hour caretaker, advocate and living angel.

I have only been a mom for 6 years. But I still go and check on my boys at night, when they are sleeping in their beds, to make sure they are safe and breathing. My mom does that every night too even tho her baby is now 33.

You never stop being a mom. 

No matter how old your babies get. 

We always need and want our mamas. 

When my sister goes to the hospital, it’s not to get better, it’s so she doesn’t die at home.

When she comes home she isn’t “all better.” Even the day to day struggles she’s endures are too much for me to share.

Without getting into the bankers boxes full of tests, lab results and years of medical records, my sister is very sick. My parents have taken her all over the country to the best doctors and specialists available.

She has been given several diagnoses but no actual definitive answers or cure. please refer to previous posts.

This was why I stopped sharing. I was speechless. Because every time I started to talk about this I couldn’t choke back my flood of tears. I felt like I was done blogging.

I wasn’t strong enough to share this pain.

I’m so sad, scared and angry. Why does she have to be sick? Why can’t they help her?

It’s so complicated. It’s so lonely. It’s not fair.

I know many of you have dealt with similar pain and sadness. Maybe your parents are gone, maybe your baby is ill, maybe your spouse is sick. The silent battles we fight take so much love and strength. We have each other.

There is so much more I want for her.

There is so much life she deserves to live.

I want my sister to be healthy.

She is so tired. I can’t imagine being sick for this long. She puts on a brave smile and fakes that she is ok. People do not see what goes on behind the social media posts. We all want to see her bright and shiny.

We don’t want to lose her.

We put everything aside and focus on our family. We were all in this together, even tho my sis is the one enduring all the pain, getting worse every year.

All I know is that we would do anything to help her get better. And just like any mother, my mom would do anything for her baby.

This week we celebrated sissy’s birthday.

perry

Perry and I made a purple unicorn cake that was safe for him to eat. (Food allergies) We got her some special gifts and we all wore our Beatles memorabilia. The Beatles are like the soundtrack to our lives.

All day Perry was singing

“All you need is love. Love is all you need.” – The Beatles

perry2

Over and over and over. In the house, outside, in the car, at Target. I felt like this was a sign from God.

I need to show sissy how much she means to me.

We all have silent battles.

It’s ok to share your struggles.

Sometimes we will find love, comfort and strength when we break the silence.

Today, Sissy was so brave, she swallowed her pride and rode in a wheel chair at the Tulsa Botanical Gardens. I know that must have been so hard for her. The boys and I only want to be with her it doesn’t matter if she is walking or in a wheel chair, she is present. Her presence is the present.

So here’s to my sissy for making it another lap around the sun and to my mama for raising the strongest girl I know.

I love you mama. I love you sissy.

Just happy mommy

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