Since posting some before and after photos of our home on social media I have had an icky feeling. Kinda like false advertising. The blue paint is called “Salty Dog” and lets just say I deserve one of those cocktails after this week.
Sounds weird but I pride myself on not being one of those fluff bloggers. It is like “Oh look at my perfectly clean, pretty house,” I will post these pictures so you all can see it on BRAGBOOK and InstaSHAM.
Let me be clear. I love my new home, I am proud of the hard work we paid someone else to do. BUT that is NOT my REAL LIFE! So let me just start out by saying I staged those pictures, I vacuumed, Windexed and tweaked while my little one took a nap. The journey to this place was not without some serious bumps and bruises, physically and emotionally.
I am NOT complaining. I am #thankful, #grateful, #blessed, we all are. Here is the behind the scenes shit most people do not want to tell you happens when you are doing work at your home with 2 young kids.
Where should I begin? I will just fast forward to the good stuff.
I get a call at the bus stop, my husband got locked in our son’s bedroom so I ran home to rescue him. Kinda funny but in hind sight totally not!
Normal day with a precocious and mischievous almost 3 year old.
He accidentally sprayed hairspray in his eyes while daddy was washing his hair.
He squirted apple sauce on the carpet (happens daily but still annoying).
Poops in the potty and drops one of my rings in the toilet lost in his loose stool. I will save you from posting the picture even tho I totally took one and sent it to a couple of lucky folks. Yep that is me fishing a ring out of diarrhea (apple sauce diet poops).
Getting more coffee, turn around and he has his daddy’s electric drill.
OMG like come on dude. Lets go play and cuddle, read books and draw on your new chalkboard wall. All the while he manages to color himself with the chalk. Go figure. NO NAP!
It’s almost time to go pick up Bubba from the bus stop. Big brother is 5, we have lived in our new house less than 2 months and since he rides the bus I walk him to and from everyday. Getting clothes on my NUDIST baby should be an olympic sport and the winner gets a trophy full of champs. As I am reaching for his undies he says in his cute, little, sweet, voice with a coy, sly smile,
“I locked us.”
NO YOU DID NOT!
OMG it is 3:04pm School gets out at 3:10pm and we live exactly 2 miles from school and 1 block from the bus stop which gives me like 10 minutes to get out of this room in time to get my older son from the bus stop on his 4th day of kindergarten.
OK stay calm. You got this, the painters are downstairs, just scream and they will come unlock the door.
Umm NO! I banged so hard on that door that I rattled the lightbulbs in the ceiling fan to off. Of course I tried to unlock it but this is a LEGIT needs a KEY lock not a use your finger nail or hanger style knob.
I tried not to panic. I was livid, exhausted and scared.
Why couldn’t the painters hear me?
So I decided to open the window and see if anyone of my brand new neighbors might hear me and they could easily walk in the open garage or front door past my ear budded painters and unlock the door. NO ONE is outside or NO ONE hears me. I feel like the dump truck in “The Little Blue Truck,” book “NO BODY HEARD or NO BODY CARED!”
After I climbed back in I called my husband like 3 times, NO answer! Finally I called my painter to call his guys downstairs to come help me. Still nothing.
Should I jump? NO way.
Could I hang on the gutter and do a Christmas Vacation? No that would NOT hold me and cause another home repair.
Could I get low enough to straddle the fence? NO not worth impaling my vaj.
I kept screaming for someone to open the door. I tried to unhinge the door but it would NOT budge.
Call the fire department? WTF are they gonna do? Comin in hot, march up the stairs to unlock a door. NO not this time sorry that is redic. NOT to mention I have had to call the fire department 3 times too many over the last 2 years which we wont discuss right now.
Ok some of you are prolly thinking why did you video this stuff. Mostly because if I told you this story you would not believe me and because my kids are so cute and sweet and blah blah blah.
They are cute and sweet and awesome but they also have these crazy streaks of evil in them that I think is also called a penis, I am not sure, but it drives women insane. They think things are funny that are not funny at all!! Case in point locking people in rooms.
So its 3:17.
I am gonna do it.
I am going to climb out of this window and jump off the roof.
I do NOT have any of the other bus stop moms phone numbers and none of my neighbors, painters down stairs or husband at work are able to help me.
My kindergartener would flip out if I was NOT at the bus stop not to mention how terrible would I feel if I was that mom on day 4 who just did NOT come to the bus stop. Ya Ya Ya I am sure another mom would help him out but I am too prideful and pissed off at this point so I just gonna do it. I start to pray to Jesus. Screaming prayers, thinking out loud, pumping myself up. Land on your feet and your a$$. Land on your feet and your a$$.
I jumped off the F@#$%ing roof.
I did land on my feet and my a$$ but the trajectory also flung my face into the Earth.
I got up immediately and looked to see if I was bleeding. Screaming and running around the back of the house to get my little boy who was still locked in his bedroom.
My painters see my grass covered face fly up the stairs and ask if I am ok. I went dark side of the moon scary on them.
“NO I AM NOT PHUCKING OKAY! I JUST JUMPED OFF THE ROOF. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?”
Think about the rage Regina George felt when she found out about the Kalteen bars.
I get my baby out of the room and start to the bus stop. The painters are afraid for their lives as they should be. I went straight LOCO.
One of them gives me that “bitch is cray,” look and I said “oh don’t worry I am just fine. I just jumped off the BLEEEEEPig roof because none of you could “hear” me you ass hat.”
What is worse?
Getting locked in a room with NO ONE home?
….or someone home that doesn’t come to help you?
…or a child that thinks it is funny when mommy jumps out the window?
I am fine. I finally got my son at the bus stop after being a total hot mess at the bus stop. Somehow I was ok. Shaken, livid, and in shock…. but we all got home and went straight up stairs until daddy got home.
So you see, the pictures you see on BRAGBOOK AND INSTASHAM are just that, a fascade that we all like to imagine our lives being. So remember when you are looking through someone else’s perfectly Windexed window, know that there many be a real shit show going on behind those walls that is usually never told.
My husband always says “I do NOT know how you do it. I would jump through a window after taking care of these crazies.”
Well honey, now I can say I jumped off the roof and lived to tell about it. The boys now believe that I am a real life super hero. They call me Spider Mommy. And yes I made my own GIF. Gotta laugh at it now.
Huge shout out to all the other people who get me, my whackadoodle life and my blog. Being offended is a waste of time. Ok Love you bye!!!
Just Happy Mommy