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#Thankful #Grateful #Blessed

#Thankful #Grateful #Blessed

I have to give it up

The holidays are now upon us with a week until Thanksgiving and 40 days until Christmas. We are all busy. We all have plans. The hustle and bustle, have to and have nots, the should I or should nots? We all want to act like we have our shit together but come on. Christmas is a bitch and can you believe this weather? Don’t get it twisted. I am not blasphemous, tho you might say, because Christmas is not what it was back in the day. Thanksgiving is the forethought, like a shower or party before the BIG DAY! Some people may not feel it, but I certainly do, to make everything pretty and perfect without showing how I do what I do.

Ok enough rhyming. I suck at it I know. But somehow iambic pentameter was on my mind. I scroll through my feeds like we all do and I see all these things that we are supposed to do. Be thankful. Be Grateful, and Be Blessed. Well aren’t you sick of it yet? I am guilty per usual but I must say that sometimes I want to scream FUCK at the end of the day. I pour my self a ginger ale HA who am I kidding a stiff vodka drink to share with my honey. We look at each other and say “wow aren’t we lucky?” or “not it!”

The reason I bring this up is because of how I am reeling on sharing how I am feeling. I really cant stop the rhyming now. LOL. I hesitate to post about my goings-on because of the judgement and heartache we have taken on. By starting my blog I felt so empowered but somedays I feel like a coward.

To say that we all have stress is a truth, but it is how you respond and process it makes it a weakness or strength. I want to spread love and not hate. I have written so many things that I have wanted to post but I choose the high road and pray for the future.

This morning we went to the Emergency Room. Perry had an allergic reaction. Thankful. Grateful. Blessed. He is ok.

I had made Roman some chocolate milk to go with his breakfast. For anyone who follows me (especially on Snapchat) knows that I make breakfast EVERYDAY as well as lunches and most dinners, most of which are allergy free.

Daddy took Roman to school and Perry woke up late as per usual and was a cranky and demanding two year old. “Chicken & Fries. Chicken & Fries,” he screamed through his paci. I said “Ok, If you eat it I’ll make it.” As I turned around from making my second cup of coffee I looked and I saw it like slow mo from a movie. (Seriously I can’t Stop Rhyming BAHAHAHA.) He took a big gulp from brothers cup which contained cows milk. We both looked at each other and we knew it was bad. His mouth started to water and he started to gag. We ran to the bathroom and he tried to vomit but he just cried “hold you mommy.”

I prayed maybe this time will be different. Maybe he wont react. Maybe his allergies aren’t really true. But before I could pull out the syringe I knew it was happening all over again. I felt so guilty, so terrible, so scared. I told him he had to take his meds. I gave him the Benadryl and he spit it out immediately and we tried again and succeeded.

Thank God daddy came home because he give us a calmness that we needed. Next was the prednisone steroid. He took it like a champ but I could soon see that he had hives all over his lips and was getting sleepy.

I called my mom out of fear and advice she said call the allergist and I did with devise. The nurse was much nicer than the 911 operator and helped guide me to decide what was next. She told me to give him the EpiPen Jr. and I said do I have to I really don’t want to. She said that he was showing several signs of anaphylaxis. I knew she was right but I hated to do this. NO ONE wants this to happen. It was an accident. IT was my fault this time but what happens next. I know how to react. I know the dosage. What if it happens and he doest get the right help. I can blame myself all day long and thrive on mommy guilt but its not about me its about the village we have built.

The village that helps me day and night and especially the people I don’t see everyday were there for me. I know I am a good mother but sometimes you crave the extra praise and reassurance that we all need. Thank you to those who were there for me without prejudice or question.

I am obsessed with my babies, although they are not babies anymore. Boys, 2 and 4 are hard to handle even with the best intentions. I love them to the moon and back. They love their mama more than anything. It brings a smile to my face when they fight over me until I get a black eye or c-section gut punch.

Coming full circle it comes to this. Am I thankful, grateful and blessed? Of course I am. Are you kidding me? But is it harder than it has to be? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. True Empathy is lost among our culture. A mom is a mom is a mom is a mom.

I have said it before and I will say it again I am a mama bear and I know what is best for my cubs. My husband agrees with me. It is hard. It is wonderful. It is love. Love knows no bounds. Until you know the true meaning of love then you will never understand. No one wants to admit they have issues. It shows weakness. But in admitting our weakness we find strength. Strength in the truth, love, prayer and honesty. I hope this does not fall on deaf ears.

Even tho I am absent from posting does not mean my mind and fingers are not firing on all cylinders. Relying on those who love me the most and my tribe of honest caregivers makes me question, revise and relate to all those who may be reading my posts.

Thank you to all who read, understand and believe. We are all #Thankful, #Grateful and #Blessed in our own lives and mind.

XOXO

Just Happy Mommy

Respect the Stay At Home Mom

SORRY FOR THE TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES!img_6900img_6906

 

 

 

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

I’m a stay at home mom. I went back to work after I had our first son in 2012. I pumped at work and hired an amazing nanny who is still in our lives. She is so special to our family, so much so that, our son was her ring bearer. A few months after going back to work I decided to quit and stay home to raise our son.

This was NOT our plan. This decision crippled our marriage. The financial strain took its toll on my husband and the resentment became suffocating. We didn’t respect each other. I consumed myself with our baby and chose to ignore the giant elephant in the room.

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So what did we do? Go to church, plug along and then try to have another baby of course! As I have explained in one of my earlier posts The D Word.

The D Word

We love each other so much but we got lost and tired and quit trying to communicate. I joke around with my hashtags for anyone that follows me on social media. #weactuallyloveachother or #ireallydolikehim

img_6875Before it was more like we coexisted and for the sake of our kids and pride we put up with all the bullshit and tough times without really dealing with the problem. RESPECT!
Now we don’t sugar coat. We tell each other what is up. With men they have no gray area. Women we are all sorts of gray. Better to be black and white and leave NO room for gray. The gray is what grows and becomes the troublesome elephant 🐘 you can’t avoid.
I felt like such a bitch but honestly I learned that expecting him to read my mind made it worse for me. Instead of “no honey I will do it” and then resenting him for not offering I ask for help and say “Actually can you mail that, can you take him to soccer, can you pick up the wine and No I’m sorry I can’t do that.”

Oddly enlightening it made him understand and respect me more when I admitted I needed him, couldn’t do it all and said no.
I’m so happy that we are closer than ever. We send each other funny texts. Share with each other and genuinely want to hangout.

Relationships are hard. The longer you stay in that negative place the harder it is to get out of it.
So now to point of my post. This week has been an eye opener to say the least. I had to report for jury duty. As a stay at home mom my initial thought is NO WAY is this gonna work! Who’s gonna help me take over my job? I will tell you who, Daddy and Meme. I am so thankful for my mom. She is my guardian angel and helps us so much! Daddy was a super trooper but after day 4 he was ready to shit the proverbial brick.

My babies were clearly pissed at me. The house is a wreck. And I think my older one may start a hunger strike soon. I can’t tell you how many times hubby texted me “are you done? This sucks! Ready to get back to our schedule. And my favorite Mommy is not going back to work.”

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Also I can’t tell you how many people said to me “Oh you’re just a stay at home mom.”

Wow! That word “Just.”
That’s like saying “oh you’re just a piece of shit.”

Even though jury duty was pretty much an exhausting, eye opening, nerve wracking and somewhat tortuous experience I have looked at it as a blessing.

I know my boys love me but man alive this really hit them all pretty hard. Wait what?! “Where’s mommy go?!” The got a reality check and realization that “wow mommy does a LOT!” Even though it was only 4 days 8-5 the feeling of appreciation, respect and love flooded over me tonight. My boys were fighting over which one I would hold and cuddle next. Needless to say I am very happy and thankful to be home.

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Now this is not to say going to work is better or worse. It’s just different. Each choice comes with a set of challenges. There is nothing like a mothers love. When you get sad what does your heart yearn for? Most people would say my mom.

I have met people from every walk of life. No ones job is more or less important than another. If anything this time in history tells us that we are all equal. Next week everyone has one vote. 18, 93, man, woman, gay, married, mother, transgender etc. No ones vote counts more than another.
I am raising the future. I take pride in what I do. I am thankful that I am able to take care of my family. I am privileged.
The world around us needs to respect ✊🏻
The lack of love, communication and respect is the demise of any relationship. It truly breaks my heart.
We need to love ourselves, our partners, children, family and friends. Sometimes the people that are the hardest to love, need the most love. I have mentioned my daily devotional that I read. “Jesus Calling.” This last passage spoke to my heart and helped me see the bigger picture.

img_6862We all have obstacles. We all have shit. I love my family more than anything. I just know that my happy place is at home taking care of my boys. I enjoy, Love and I’m proud to be a stay at home mom.

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Xoxo
Just happy mommy

“It’s Kristy bitch & I’m back!”

I was taught “If you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all.” But what if that deafening silence speaks volumes?
I haven’t posted on my blog in over a month. I have felt really down because of some very sad and personal things going on in my family. Unfortunately this drama has caused stress to some relationships.
So if I can’t say something nice I shouldn’t say anything at all right?! Well I am not going to perpetuate hate but my deafening silence has now come to an end and I am ready share my latest volumes with you. I finally decided to stop being afraid and continue to be me.
Unedited, unfiltered, unapologetic and real!!! I am strong! I will bend but I will NOT break!

I’m not perfect. No one is. Only God can judge me. My support system is amazing and I thank them all for helping me, believing in me and lifting me up when I felt so down.

I love blogging! I know it when I write something good. I can feel it in my gut, my heart, and my nerves. It is almost like a giddy nervous feeling before I post. Sounds stupid to some but I’m so passionate about my writing that it feels like sharing a gift. I share myself, my life and experiences to connect with people.

I realize that there will forever be haters. It’s really easy just don’t read my blog. Haters are now my fuel to drive my blog into the eyes of readers.

Seriously tho, I know my blog isn’t a big deal. But hey, I believe in it and I know it has personally touched some people. It is terrifying to share some things (marriage counseling, mental health issues etc.) but once I do it makes me feel happy and free. It is always nice to relate to someone who is brave enough to share right?!

I’m excited to share some of my highest highs and the lowest lows and all the fun stuff in between. I will be unveiling my new website very soon! I think you will like my upgrades. So please be sure to look for my new posts! I have some exciting news and I will be doing some fun giveaways!
It’s Kristy bitch & I’m back!

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Xoxo

Just happy mommy

I already miss those days 

I have been slacking on my blog because I am in survival mode. Since Back to School! I don’t know about you, but my “To Do List” is getting longer and longer by the day. I’m Realizing how much time it takes to do all this MOMMING and it is hardcore. I am used to easy breezy maybe-we-wear-pants-maybe-we-leave-the-house-maybe-we-eat-cake-for-breakfast type of days.

We are all getting in the swing of things. I know it takes time. I am realizing that I am officially a SAHM (stay at home mom.) Now big brother goes 5 days, all day and my littlest just started school, 3 days, 1/2 day, so I get 7.5 glorious hours of “me” time a week.
But, this whole getting up early, making breakfast, making lunches, getting me and the boys dressed, shoes on, teeth brushed, sippy cups in hand, and lovies out the door for school before 8am has me thrown for a loop. Just typing that makes me tired and want to drink another cup of coffee.
But for now, I can accomplish 3 things between 9-2:30pm. Workout, eat and take a nap. MAYBE on a good day I will shower, or run to the store, or work on the computer. But if you have kids in a 1/2 day school or MDO that’s it! You are killing it at life if you have been on any or all of these levels!

The Five Levels of Being a Stay-At-Home-Mom


1.) The Go Getter! 

This positive attitude usually happens in the beginning of the week. Let’s go workout, get coffee, run errands and work on the house during nap time and even pre-plan dinner. I have never made it past Wednesday in this mode.

2.) The “Hey at least I…” 

This is like “hey I got one thing done today” and I’m pretty proud of myself so I’m going to treat my self to bathing and maybe even blow drying my hair. Sounds ridic right?!?! Wrong! Sometimes I haven’t washed my hair in a week (disgusting) but not even dry shampoo, deodorant and Chanel can help me. Straight scrub.


3.) I have zero Fs to give! 

I’m tired and all I want to do is pray for a fairy maid mother and take a nap because I know what’s still waiting for me when I get up. A dirty house, laundry to fold, butts to wipe, and a million unread emails. So usually I chose to watch some bravo on dvr, eat any cheese or potato product available in the house, and take a nap.


4.) What am I doing?

Let’s do a million activities and not accomplish anything. Play dates, birthday parties, grocery shopping, and going thru a drive thru. You’re busy. Sometimes too busy to even want to do the shit you said you were gonna do. This is exhausting.

5.) Breaking point.

Mommy needs a break. When you do get a REAL break, enjoy it. Then you feel guilty, miss your kids, come home to chaos, and want to run back to the car. Being a parent is insanity. Expecting different results while doing the same thing over and over again.


Ok peanut gallery I hear you all in my head. Get help! Hire a babysitter! Don’t be a stay at home mom! Go back to work! Stop bitching! Order everything online! Use a delivery service. You need time management and organizational classes. How about FU!?!?


Some people are cut from a magical cloth that allows them to run on little sleep, have energy like the energizer bunny and look bananas. I’m just not cut from that cloth. Thing is I enjoy being lazy. You ask my older son what my favorite thing to do is and without a moments hesitation he will say “SLEEP!”

I’m not hating. I get stuff done. I admire those who can “do it all.” I’m just stuck in the middle of feeling like “Hell ya I’m slaying it and then questioning if I’m sending a healthy enough lunch.”

So I don’t do anything but pour myself a glass of water I mean wine and curl up in my robe and look at pretty people on Instagram while some TV show is on in the background. It’s called balance.

Calendars are a full time job. I don’t know about you all, but I haven’t consistently checked my emails for 4 years. The only emails I open are “Your Package has shipped, track it now!”, Taco Bueno, Bath & Body Works, spa packages, and Southwest flights I long book. LOL but seriously! Now, it’s more stressful! Soccer, gymnastics, homework, PTA meetings, date nights, school events, birthdays, football, ETC!!! Do kids not get to be kids anymore? One day we are singing ABC’s, the next we are in line for a tardy slip at age 4.

After naps and pickup, round 2 begins. The afterschool snack that will ultimately ruin dinner, afterschool activites, homework, baths, books, songs, prayers, and goodnight moon. BAHAHAHA GOTCHA!

Hello this Just Happy Mommy

not Bullshit Mommy.

4 Ways bedtime happens at our house  

1.) Eat it, wash it, brush it, read it, pray it, kiss it, goodnight, lock the door.

2.) Afterschool activity, drive thru dinner, screaming “I’m not tired”, asleep in the car, crying in the bathroom, and pouring them into bed. (Which sounds exactly like a night out drinking in my 20’s, or my last birthday give or take)

3.) We all sit down, eat dinner together with NO TV, peacefully agree to bathe, drink our milk, watch a show together, brush our teeth, read 3 books, sing a song, say our prayers, and turn out the light saying “NO, I love you more.”

4.) Babysitter. You keep them alive. I pay you.

Yes, I was just bitching about my kids driving me bonkers, but now I miss them and want to have little spy cameras on them. Ages 0-4. Hardest, yet the most control you will EVER have. Everything is harder for me BC I’m a control freak that tries to be chill. Sooo I already miss the days I am waiting to miss.

The Trace Adkins song is playing in my head “You’re gonna miss this, you’re gonna want this back, you’re gonna wish these days didn’t go by so fast, these are the good times, so take a good look around, you may not know it now, but you’re gonna miss this.”

Trace Adkins You’re gonna miss this
Oh wait! You mean the days when I used to make my own life choices and didn’t have to be a slave to a calendar? Yes, yes, I miss those.

Granted, this is my first rodeo. And for my veteran readers, just go ahead and shake your head, sip your wine, and say “ROOKIE” out the side of your mouth. All the new rules and the hustle and bustle has given me and my family a violent shove into “THE REAL WORLD.” And like The Diary of Britney Spears ” You think you know, but you have no idea.” It is true. Like anything in life we do not know what it is like until we actually experience it or live it ourselves.

Xoxo

Just Happy Mommy

The D Word

No I’m not talking about the “5 D’s of Dodgeball: Dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge.”

Dodgeball Wikipedia 

When you are married the D word means Divorce. And just like many curse words we whisper when we say it, like it will have less of an affect. We never used the D word before having kids. It is not an option. The past four years have been some of the best, yet hardest and stressful of our lives.

Counting back the years we have shared 12 amazing years together and we will celebrate 9 years of marriage in 2 weeks! Whoop whoop! (This is one of our engagement pics from August 2006. )

I remember him sending me hot pink roses on my college graduation day because he had to work at the car lot on Saturdays. We were so in love, the blind, no fear, no looking back, this is it, kind of love.

Even the happiest of marriages have peaks and valleys. It’s called the rollercoaster of love for a reason right?!?! We never lack passion, that’s for sure! But after going through many negative relationship cycles over the past few years we decided we needed a professional tune up. So we went to marriage counseling.

Here’s the deal, we know we love each other and we do NOT want to argue anymore. So in order to get back to the love that once came so easily, we are learning emotionally focused couples therapy. EFCT

I didn’t hesitate to share this with y’all because I made a promise to always keep it real. It worked! It’s been a few months now and honestly it’s the best decision we have made since having our boys and saying I do.

We fake it till we make it a lot in motherhood. But that shit don’t fly in marriage. Sometimes you need to step outside and ask for help. I don’t think it is a sign of weakness but of strength. My husband also agrees and he reads all of my blogs before I post them.
I think it’s refreshing to know when people admit to having issues. I think it makes us feel human. Don’t get me wrong I admire people who have a happy, healthy marriage. But what we were doing and dealing with wasn’t going down the yellow brick road. Also 12 years together is a really long time!

Thankfully we weren’t doing that bad but We needed to unscramble our priorities. God, spouse, kids, work, family, friends, money and the rest. We had it all mixed up. With everything we have endured over the last few years and explaining our situation, sitting on the shrinks couch, it was clear we needed this time together and to make an investment in us.

There are only so many hours you can cry to your mom and your best friends until they are like “I love you but y’all need a third party unbiased helper.”

I grew up old school and like most of my family and friends we keep marriage and family issues secret. Its like  “nun ya nun ya biznass.”

Well I’ve got a news flash! We live in a new century and we are downloading the latest version of marriage. The world is faster and more stressful than ever before.

Even going to the beach, on vacation, to slow down was amazing, but our problems were still waiting for us when we got home and dumped the white sand out of our shoes.
After taking the first steps, calling, making an appointment and going together we were already better connected.

The last couple of months have been amazing. We got lost and now we are getting back on the path. The love we have for each other and our children is worth fighting for.  We will never feel ashamed or apologize for working on ourselves or our marriage.

I hope that by sharing our journey, we can inspire other couples, who might be experiencing a road block, to get a marriage tune up and seek some counseling. Even tho smiles on social media can paint the perfect picture, things are never perfect. With faith, hope and love we can stand strong. I think this wedding anniversary will be the best one yet! I love you babe. Thank you for always loving me for better or worse. And thank you for taking care of me and the boys.

Xoxo

Just happy mommy

Back 2 School Blues 

We all get down on ourselves. We are tired. We look at the to do list and get overwhelmed. With a new school year starting I have been so emotional. Seeing my baby grow-up and walk into his first day of PreK really hit me hard. He was so happy and excited and I lost it as I was leaving the drop off line. Teaching him has been my job until today. Granted he has been going to school since he was 10 months old but now it’s different. It is real school with a drop off and pick up, packed lunch, a cafeteria, recess and all new faces.

He beams a smile and waves good bye, excited for his new adventure. Meanwhile, baby brother and I lose our shit in the car on the way home. (Yes I’m driving. I know I should not use a phone while moving a motor vehicle.) also I’m an ugly crier and turn the volume down ????????????

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I felt so happy, sad, proud and afraid all at the same time as I drove away. Will he be ok? Will he make a friend? Will he eat his food? Will someone bully him? Will he even think about me? Did I do a good job?

So do my emotional episodes mean I have a mental issue? Yes! It is called being a parent! We are all losing our shit at some point. It’s called having a heart beating in your chest. Life is made of peaks and valleys, happy times and sad times. It is not just in parenting. There are ups and downs in marriages, work, friendships and hell even the economy. Point is that we all experience things differently. The only person who can judge us is The Lord.

Yes I know my life is not over because my baby started PreK. I know, trust me I’m getting over it as I find myself writing this post, because I haven’t had a moments peace in 3 weeks since summer camp ended. But, I just care about my child and I want him to be happy, healthy, thrive and glow. I have been praying for him to have a good day and get in the car with a smile on his face full of stories.
When you question yourself as a parent it is a natural thing. It means you care. I struggle with my confidence as a mom and then other days I am like “Hell Ya I am a kick ass mom.” “Pound it dog! Booya! and Holler!”

So here it is the first day of school and as I stare at my to do list, laundry, calendar etc. All I want to do is take a shower and a nap before I go get in the HORENDOUS pick up line 30 minutes before I’m charged a $14 fee.

I know things change. I knew this was happening but actually living it is hard for me. All the new rules, my baby being so independent and being on time is really hard for me LOL. BUT it is good! We thrive in a routine so I am happy that I am being challenged to change. I know its not the end of the world but I do know I’m going to miss this.

I’m gonna want these hard ass F^&* days back. When no one eats what I make for breakfast, lunch and dinner. When no one listens to me to stop splashing and flooding the bathroom. When I need to kiss the boo boos. When my baby crawls up in my lap and says “Mama hold you.” When the boys no longer let me dress them alike. And when we have rainy days cuddling and doing absolutely nothing and they let me kiss their heads and smell their hair.

Trust me I am taking note to cherish this time. We don’t get a lot of time on this Earth so we have to make each day count. But damn it is hard to be a parent in todays world.
For now I tell myself.. The monograms can wait. The perfect breakfast, lunch or dinner cannot be made everyday. The organizing, the cleaning and everything I keep talking about will have to wait.

As “THEY” say “The days are long, but the years are quick.” As I see the calendar fill up I have to stop and think these are the days I will miss. But for today I will sit and write my babies a letter telling them how much I love them. I will take a shower. I will lie down and day dream in my quiet bedroom. The greatest gift we can give ourselves and our loved ones is time. Unapologetically I will proudly give myself sometime “Because If Mommy Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy.”

Since pickup this afternoon he had a great day, made a new friend and learned a song. We had a special afternoon snack, played trains and he helped me cook dinner. After slaving away on dinner, it hits, here comes the meltdown. “I don’t want to eat it! Yuck!” As he’s screaming crying and running around the house losing his exhausted mind. Meanwhile baby brudder is enjoying his special allergy free (gluten, oat, egg, dairy, nut free) lasagna and breaks out in hives.

Daddy walks thru the door as I’m finishing baby boys bath and dosage of Benadryl. Big boy still whining and saying “eating dinner is so hard and I’m not tired.” I look around at the dishes piled high, laundry covering both couches, toys, cups, trains, Chex and blueberries all over the rug…

There’s my exit. I poured myself a glass of wine and I’m hiding out in the bathtub right now adding this to the post.

Sometimes no matter how hard you try, shit is still gonna happen. Just depends if you are gonna pick it up, move on or just sit and cry about said shit. I’m gonna leave this one to daddy.

XOXO
Just Happy Mommy

My editor was not able to correct all my grammar, run on sentences and cussing. Once again if you don’t like my blog don’t read it ????????????????????

Growing Up Ain’t for Sissies

God brings people into your life for a reason. I wholeheartedly believe that. Whether we realize it instantly or later on, people come in and out when you need them to.

It’s been over a week since I was able to go to the gym after little nugget got a terrible case of hand, foot, and mouth. Even tho he didn’t have a fever and acted happy, I couldn’t be “that mom” that took her child covered in blisters to kids club.

Usually I do high intensity classes with my bestie, but today I couldn’t get us out the door in time. So I decided to sit down and ride a stationary bike, listen to my jams, and read.

Instead I talked with an 80 year old man named John. He was a lovely gentleman and so kind. We chatted for about 30 minutes as we rode our bikes. He was full of stories. He kept saying. “I hope I’m not boring you or keeping you.” I honestly was not bothered, but rather enjoyed his conversation and company.

He told me stories from his childhood, where he grew up in Fort Smith Arkansas, how much he loved Italian food, and stories of his wife and losing loved ones.

As I write this, I am even more touched by him and his life stories. We just had a real conversation. Nothing of fluff, but real genuine talk.

He and I had several things in common. We both recently had a birthday, both went to Catholic school “all the way”, and he attended the University of Tulsa (like most of my family members). But most of all, he lived life to the fullest.

He was raised by his grandparents and was never blessed with children of his own. He survived pneumonia and both a cotton-head snake bite and a rabid dog bite. All of which made me think. Damn That’s hard.

I of course told him about my two little boys, my sweet husband and my family & spunky 93 year old grandma. I expressed how fast it goes and I’m so nervous when my boys go off to school in a couple weeks.

He told me about a bully in school that teased him for having red hair everyday at noon. “I’d rather be dead than be red on the head” he would say. After weeks of this, he responded with “Well you know what? I’d rather be red than dead in the head.” This angered the bully who took a swing at him and missed. John swung back and knocked him out. He felt proud. He then spotted a nun out of the corner of his eye, and she grabbed his hand and said “God bless your hand child.” Hahaha yes!

John continued to tell me stories of his best friend Jimmy from Italy. They became close during high school and he enjoyed dinners at his home. He loves Italian food and played football. He reminisced about one year his coach, a priest, gave them all a St. Christopher medal that he blest to protect them. He gave me a big smile and said look. The chain I had noticed him wearing held that same St Christopher charm. I said “maybe that’s how you got this far?” he said,  “I think so too.”

He doesn’t have any family left other than his wife, yet he said “Life is pretty good if you know how to live it.” After a long weekend of celebrating my birthday with those I hold dear, it makes me more thankful that I have my family and friends with me.

When he and his wife went to pick out their resting plots in Fort Smith, Jimmy asked John to be his brother, and share a spot in their family plot. So even though John didn’t have any living relatives, he still had Jimmy as his bro.

I could have smiled, nodded and put my headphones back in, but I didn’t. I so desperately wanted my alone time at the gym today. Instead I made a new friend. One that I’m sure I learned a great deal from.

Sometimes we need to stop and listen.

He told me a final story about his grandfather, who worked nights at a smelter plant in town. They did everything together during the day as he was growing up. Fishing, hunting, trapping etc.

He said when his grandfather passed away from brain cancer, his grandma told him to stay at a friends house the night he passed.

The next morning, he went home and saw his grandparents’ bed empty and he knew he was gone. His grandma said she held her husbands hand as he told her “don’t worry about me, Babe, I’m going to see my mama, daddy, and brothers.” And he died right after he spoke those words.

I got teary eyed as he told me. But then he stopped me and said “I felt that way too for a long time, but now, I hope I am that happy and brave when it’s my time to go.”

I live in a constant state of fear. For my boys, my sissy, my parents, my grandma and myself. I don’t want to die young. I think taking some time to come to the gym and talk with my new friend John is what I needed today. Perspective on this life and how sweet it can be. Not competing or comparing. Not to pity or worry. But to share our stories and be real.

I am so thankful that God spoke to me through John today. I needed his guidance and kindhearted smile. We ended our talk with a smile and a handshake. He told me to be safe and remember “Growing old ain’t for sissies.”

Xoxo

Just Happy Mommy

Heaven in a box 

We all know that kids love big cardboard boxes more than what comes inside of them. My mama keeps a HUGE pottery barn box at her house, and the boys love to play in it. And like most people, especially moms, we get weekly Amazon deliveries. 

This morning we were getting ready and my son said “mommy will you put me in this box so I can go to heaven for a little bit?”

Clearly I was taken aback. As I stood looking at this small Amazon box, I couldn’t help but think, “What if I really had to put him in a box and send him to heaven?” A mother’s worst nightmare. To bury a baby. So I composed myself and said “ok, why do you want to go to heaven?” 

“It’s Pretend. I don’t really want to go there right now.”

Whew. Sheesh. 

Of course every time I have walked by that box today it made me think of heaven. 

A few weeks ago we watched the movie “Miracles from Heaven.” When my husband started playing it one Sunday morning, I told him to turn it off two or three times because I couldn’t handle it. And inducing a panic attack is never fun, but we finished it. 


It touched me in every way. Made me bawl out of control. I felt fear, sadness, and compassion. But most of all, it touched my heart and soul. If you haven’t seen it, the movie is about a very sick little girl and her journey with her mother, who will stop at nothing to help her get well. This movie hit so close to home because it not only parallels my sisters incurable medical conditions, but also the journey my own mama is making with her extremely ill daughter. The comparisons of their stories is really eerie. 

Since then, our 4.5 year old has asked to watch it again saying “I want to see the part where she goes to heaven.” And 
“Mommy are you sad because she is like Aunt Sissy?” “Yes baby it makes me sad.”

We have been teaching the boys to say their prayers before meals and after we read at bedtime since they were very small. Sometimes we forget. But when we do, I can see my boys smile when they say Amen. It makes my heart happy. I wish I had the innocence and blind faith of a little one. But even he is questioning me “Why won’t God heal Aunt Sissy? Is she going to die?” I respond with “I don’t know baby but we have to pray and trust that she will get better.” He says “It’s ok, I will make her better. I’m her doctor.” 

This video was taken a year ago and I still love to hear his little voice and his prayer 

“Jesus heal Aunt sissy and make her better. Guard me Jesus through the night wake me with the morning light. Amen”

​[wpvideo fIvPcQgd]​
I know I need to “leave it to God, He’s got this.” I try so hard to keep my faith and believe in his plan. But my faith is wavering. After 8 years of severe health issues and suffering, when will she get better? Even though she is still present, she has no quality of life and each day, week, and month, she’s getting worse! All of our minds are reeling out of control with a million scenarios and questions. Her strength, fearlessness and grace impress me daily.

Why won’t He heal my sissy? Why is she getting worse? What can I do? Where do we go? Who do we see? How to we give her comfort? 

Visiting her twice a week at the hematology lab is the saddest place I have ever been. Seeing people so sad, sick, and tired getting pumped full of drugs, blood, or even poison is hard to see. I could not imagine. But you know what Sissy does? She goes in with a cute outfit, makeup, and a smile and she befriends everyone. She brings other people treats and writes hand written thank you notes. She journals and keeps a calendar, and of course keeps track of all her medications and issues. Being sick is a full time job that no one, she or anyone else, wants. I could not imagine what she is going thru. Her health and wellness is our number one priority. The good news is she doesn’t have to go at it alone. 

This was last week when we got to sneak little buddy to see my sissy at hematology. We played I spy while she got her potassium infusion. 


One of my best friends sent me my first devotional when I was in the throes of my postpartum depression and it has been such a special gift. Jesus calling. 

I decided to pay it forward and gift it to my mama and another bestie. The daily message is to trust in the Lord with all your heart and listen when Jesus is calling you. This book has helped my mama, who has the strongest faith of anyone I know. I admire her. The love, strength, and courage she has is amazing. She inspires me to enjoy all of the hugs, kisses, and “Mommy I love you’s”, and restores my faith in God. 

We are praying for a miracle to save Sissy. No one deserves to live in such pain and misery. So we will adjust. We will keep praying. Enjoying laughing together. Make plans and celebrate what we can. Holding on to all of the “some days” and never stop dreaming of a better tomorrow. 

Waiting for our Miracles from Heaven. 


Xoxo

Just Happy Mommy

Christmas in July 

Today is Christmas in July. I can’t believe in 6 months it will be Christmas! My most favorite time of the year. Reflecting back on the holiday makes me happy.

I decided to do something I haven’t done all summer. Treat myself to a morning of doing absolutely nothing. After I dropped the boys off at summer camp I decided I deserved 2 hours to myself.
The last 5 days of summer fun have been busy swimming, cooking, sweating, cleaning, hustling and bustling. I thought “hey I need some ME time.” And not apologize for it. If it’s Christmas in July after all, I might as well give myself the best gift of all and that is time.
Time to pray. Time to meditate. Time to write. Time to breathe. Sit in bed and do nothing until pickup.
My best friend told me about an app called HeadSpace so I thought “hey why not try it.” I’m so glad I downloaded it because now I can’t wait for tomorrow’s meditation session. It’s amazing how stopping and taking 10 minutes can change your whole head space.
Looking out my bedroom windows and seeing the sunlight dance on the leaves in the breeze and hearing birds chirping and the humm of the refrigerator in the kitchen is calming. It’s 100 degrees again today and in 6 months it will be freezing. I have to remind myself to stop and be thankful for all the days and all the moments. Before you know it it could be too late and you don’t know how to stop being busy.
Lately thinking of all the things going on in my life makes me sad. Why am I living an unhappy life? Recent family conflict and my sissy’s unanswered health questions are top of mind.
Fear is control.

Control is an illusion.
Suffering from fear, depression and anxiety sucks. Even tho I know I have so much to be thankful for, deep down, I’m sad. Seeking help, taking medication and surrounding yourself with supportive and loving people is the key. But what happens when those people and connections break down? Or you cannot spend quality time with the ones you love and miss the most. Are we too busy to give the greatest gift of all to those we love the most?! Our time.
Stop and give yourself some time. I am seeking some inner peace and praying in desperation for my fears to stop taking control. I don’t have to get everything done. I don’t have to be perfect. The pressure I put on myself is exhausting.
As always I’m Looking forward to Christmas this year. I want to do what my boys and family want to do and not succumb to what is expected of me. The holiday gets lost in the hustle and bustle and the commitments of time and money. Really stopping to think “is this going to make me happy?”
So here’s to beating this heat and dreaming of a white Christmas. Im looking forward and not behind.
Xoxo
Just Happy Mommy

The Music of my life 

The music of my life is the sound of my boys laughing, running and playing.


Last week I really put myself out there by sharing a controversial, important, and timely topic. Racism.

How do we teach our children about racism today? 

Like I explained in my first blog post; I promise to offend someone. Well this post unfortunately sparked some anger, sadness, and confusion.

At first I had a panic attack. Then I realized that I would stand by my words as my constitutional right to freedom of speech. Also, as previously mentioned, if you don’t like my blog, don’t read it.

My First Blog Post Ever

So instead of backing down and being a coward, I choose to continue writing. And to those who have supported me along the way, thank you. I know haters are gonna hate.

I have been listening to this song a lot lately, and it just spoke to me.

“The delusions in our heads are gonna bring us to our knees.
So come on let it go
Just let it be
Why don’t you be you and I’ll be me
Everything that’s broke leave it to the breeze.” – James Bay

Remembering the Beatles mentality:
“All you need is love,
Love is all you need” – The Beatles

Sometimes we just need to chill out, and let the small things go. We don’t have to conform, but agree to disagree.

My parents grew up peace loving hippie kids, and my dad taught me pretty much everything about music. He would drive around and listen to the Beatles, CSN, Pink Floyd, Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers, and countless others. I grew up during the invention of the CD! He would take me to sound warehouse and let me choose an album. My first CD single was Loser by Beck.

My dad always had a story that went along with an album, and how the beautiful, powerful, and often controversial words moved his generation. I need to take a car ride with my daddy down memory music lane. It is a beautiful connection, and one that I think of often.

Music has always been a huge part of my life. A song can transcend you to a point in time, and bring you to your knees, bring tears of joy, give you chills, and touch that place in your heart where the deepest love lives.

Why do you think everyone dreams of being a rockstar?! Because you can touch someone with your gift, and help change someone for the better. Exercise your creativity, and get paid to do it? Um ya let’s do that.

I see that love of music in my brother. His passion is as electric as his guitar. Like me, he too was once shy about his gifts. Once he embraced his fear, he opened like a rose. The sound he gave off was so sweet. I am so proud of him for following his dreams. I know that even tho he’s in a corporate job right now, he will be fulfilled with his music and continue to create lyrics and music for his generation. Check out his video below! His smile at the end is my faves.

Philip PJ Eller Jr. Compass of love acoustic YouTube video
Love fuels love
There are over 2 million blog posts everyday! How does one get attention over the others? When it ignites or stirs the fire inside of us.

I hope that my boys are proud of my writing. I do this for them, after all. Life is not about the perfect moments. It’s about learning from the messy ones and creating our own character. Someday I pray that my children will embrace their differences and enjoy the music of life around them.

Xoxo

Just happy mommy