Ok I am ripping off the band aid. I am blogging by social demand. BAHAHA! Just kidding, I want to start sharing my life again. That is what a blog is, sharing your life on social media networks and the internet. I love to share. Some people are private. Some people just like to watch and others are HUGE bloggers and influencers.
Just to be clear I am NOT a millennial who decided to create a blog and become an influencer to make money. I am a XENNIAL and proud of it. Xennials are described as having had an analog childhood and a digital adulthood. Basically we grew up in simpler times but know how to live in a digital age. (1970s- early 1980s)
Blogging and becoming an Influencer just came to me, I never forced it. I love to write and share. I am thankful for the little moments of success that have come out of this experiment of mine.
Why did I stop blogging? I wrote a post about racism and it caused turmoil between me, my husband and his father and his new wife. We had not spoken in years as a result of my blog and exchanging of words on the phone and in emails. It literally shook our world and made me re-evaluate everything, so much so that I questioned everything I ever wrote. It broke me. I pray that we can resolve our issues.
Our second son started having more issues. Issues directly and indirectly related to his food allergies. After weeks of staying home with limited outings, I was crumbling and desperate for help and answers. I researched veraciously and listened to 3 audible books. Let me explain. He would have uncontrollable tantrums because of his carseat, his clothing and shoes. He would scream and cry to the point of almost vomiting. If you have ever heard the term blackout it was like that. He was so distraught from having to be restrained and wear clothing that he would attack me and go berserk and not even recall his actions.
He was finally diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder, exclusively touch. He was tested on the Autism spectrum. We had meetings with our pediatrician, allergist and a friend who is our occupational therapist, who helped diagnose him. Thankfully he is ok. He never hurt himself, me or anyone too badly, mostly scratching and kicking.
But, it was crippling for us to go through. We could barely make it to school, let alone birthday parties or a road trip. We purchased more carseats, more clothes, more shoes, bribery, cuddles, naps etc. And this is why our almost 5 year old still has a pacifier. I broke down one morning desperate for him to stop screaming, crying and go to school. We walked into Walgreens and I reintroduced the pacifier to him. I was possibly the best and worst decision I have made as a mom.
This post is not for sympathy but just more for my loyal readers understanding. Food allergies are real. They are a real pain, scary and super hard. Then add on this other layer of sensory processing disorder. I was on my knees praying for help, understanding and guidance. Thank you to my older son, husband, mom, dad, sis and close friends who witnessed and experienced his outbursts, freak outs and still love us despite our issues.
The reason I decided to coach his tee-ball team was because I wanted to be in control of the team, because some people do not understand that these are real issues. When I say extreme food allergies, I mean by death by air, touch, or ingestion. Unfortunately, food allergies and other serious conditions are real. I am determined to let my child experience life no matter what his challenges are.
Here is a senario for you: It is time for school, you lay out your kids clothes and they immediately start screaming and throwing things at you. Saying “I dont like this, this is too tight, I dont like this” etc. So, you give them more options. After 15-30 minutes of tantrums, negotiations and the rest, it is time to get in the car. We do not even attempt socks at this point, just shoes. Sometimes you get to leave the driveway sometimes you don’t. Anyway it is still an issue. I will share more scenarios later.
All the while my sister is declining and I do not want to share. I feel reclusive and not wanting to write, or share, I feel defeated. In retrospect, I was in self protection mode. Focusing on what really matters, my family. I did not need to explain myself but those are the reasons I felt I could no longer give anymore to this platform.
I feel more confident now. I still struggle everyday with depression and anxiety. These are things that some people can overcome. I feel like these issues are something I choose daily to succumb to or overcome. Despite these tough times I know more people are dealing with more than me and so I feel guilty that I am not able to help others.
Thank you for reading this post. I love you all and I look forward to sharing more every Tuesday at 9pm just like I used to. If it isn’t broken, dont try to fix it. For anyone who is struggling, it is ok, it is ok to stop, breathe, take a minute or a few months to reevaluate what you want to do. This is your life and I appreciate all of you that can understand, empathize or just plain care.
Remember life is too wonderful to get you down for too long. Whatever you are going through, whatever trials and tribulations you are having it’s hard. You have to fight for your happiness! Try to adjust your lense to see the good in every day and be thankful for those little victories no matter how small they might be to you, they might make a world of difference to someone else.
Just Happy Mommy